Figuring Out 50

Milestone birthdays feel like they’re supposed to be a big deal, and I guess they are because we make them feel that way. As I roll over into another decade of life, I’m experiencing a lot of introspection. What I’m not feeling is very wise, or old for that matter. What I am feeling is very happy and grateful for the life that I have and the people that are a part of it I also feel a little bit lost as I think about the 50 years I’ve been around. This birthday will be the first that I celebrate with no parents in my life. My dad has been gone for over 25 years, and with my mom’s passing this year, it feels overwhelming to realize that the people that “made me” are no longer with me. I miss them, and I miss the way they both celebrated my birthday with such intention and love. Especially being a December baby, when so many people are hustling around to celebrate the holidays and close out the year, they focused on me, and I felt like I was the most important person in the world. In this moment I’m aware that my life will never be the same, and my birthday won’t mean as much to anyone else as it did to them. Ugh, grief is hard, and I understand that it’s just a normal part of life that we will all face, if we’re lucky enough to still be here.

As I get older it’s exciting, and unsettling, to realize how little I know. I mean, technically, I know more now than I ever have, but it’s humbling to come to terms with how much more I get to learn. Being a mom is just one of the many ways I’m grounded in “not knowing”, my kids remind me every day. And I’m fortunate to be surrounded by so many young people at work that keep me on my toes. It’s through them that I find myself learning and unlearning every day. This probably accounts for the youthful feelings, because I’m nudged, and sometimes forced, to keep up if I want to stay relevant and connected. I don’t want to have it all figured out, and I certainly don’t pretend to! This is the gift that keeps on giving and I can only imagine what I’ll be learning 10 years from now when I still have no idea what’s really going on LOL!

I have learned to slow down and be more present, both with myself, and others. I’m grateful for this and acknowledge that somehow getting older gives us permission to do this, to take care of ourselves. I know it’s a gift to be here and it’s not lost on me that my dad was only one year older than I am today when we lost him to a sudden heart attack. Any of us can go at any time, so I value every moment I’m here, in this world, no matter how challenging it can feel some days.

One of the many lessons I often grapple with is whether I can be truly happy, and at peace. I spent many years wondering if it was possible to be fulfilled in all aspects of my life. I’m learning that it IS possible, especially when I own the choices I make, none of this is happening to me, I’m in the driver seat. But some days, I still look around and wonder when I might get the memo that it’s not ok to feel so satisfied and content. It’s that nagging feeling that I should be striving more, working harder, or suffering in some way. But for now, I’m leaning into enjoying my work, loving my family and friends, and most recently discovering that I can love and be loved by a partner, it is ALL possible.

I think one of the most important things in my life is that through my work, family, and friends, I get to live my purpose every day. I mean, the fact that I’m clear on my purpose feels like a gift in itself! I come by it honestly and with an appreciation that I’m on the right path as long as I stay intentional every day. Connecting through compassion has been grounding for me, and it has been a true north as I’ve navigated how I want to show up in this world, for myself, and for others. I don’t get it right every day, I actually get off course often. But I’m always striving and I do my best to get back on track when I’m weak or tired or just feeling extra human. Thanks to everyone who stays patient with me.

So, on this day, mostly I just feel grateful. Grateful to be alive, grateful to love and be loved by so many amazing people, and grateful to have my health and my happiness as I turn the proverbial page of my own book. Even with all the challenges, loss and setbacks, my life is truly blessed, and I am excited for what the future holds. I don’t have many expectations honestly, but I feel grounded in knowing I don’t have to do it alone and I don’t need to have it all figured out right in this moment. What a beautiful gift, and maybe the only one I need today!